


Summer Sun

by Yourfriendlyneighborhoodficwriter



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Summer Vacation, implied depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 23:31:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15896358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yourfriendlyneighborhoodficwriter/pseuds/Yourfriendlyneighborhoodficwriter
Summary: Shoma's friends organize a short trip to a beach house and during their stay he has a lot more than the summer sun and his feelings for Yuzuru on his mind.





	Summer Sun

**Author's Note:**

> I realize I have chapters from the other fic waiting to be written but I was away on holiday and I couldn't get this off my mind.  
> There is no beta so please tell me about any mistakes you find.

The sun was already setting when they arrived to the beach house. They had wanted to arrive earlier, to make best use of the day. But Kanako had some work back at home and Mao, being the organizer of the whole trip, made them all wait. It was alright though, because it gave everyone the chance to enjoy the sunset as they approached their destination.  
Mao entered first, dropping her giant bag on the floor and immediately running around the spacious living room to open the curtains and windows, allowing the light and fresh air in. It was clear that this place had not been visited for a while, and as the others walked in, holding the far-too-many bags and dropping them around the room, they observed and they made quick quirky comments, about the old looking vases and chandeliers, and the pictures of Mao’s family scattered around in different sized frames, and about how rich Mao’s family must’ve been to afford a place like this.  
Kanako, being the only one who had visited there before, guided everyone to settle a few things and remove the white cloths sitting on the furniture, dust filled the air, and everyone had a fair fit of laughter in between coughs. Mao had went to check the heating system and electricity platelet, and came back to find everyone already doing their own tour around the house. It was a big house, with big walls and big windows. It had two bedrooms, a very large living area with an equally large kitchen and dining area, and two bathrooms. It was more than enough to house the seven people for a few days, and it was lovely, walls crème colored and curtains with flowers prints that matched the two sofas. It looked a bit old, but it was old, and it was abandoned for a long time, and it was too quiet and formal against the loud noises and jokes the new comers made, but it was lovely.  
They split the work in the hope of finishing early to enjoy a big feast, Mao, Kanako and Satoko would work in the kitchen, presumably because it required a lot more attention to details than the boys could possibly offer, despite that everybody knew that Nobu was the best cook out of all of them, but they settled for The girls cleaning the kitchen and preparing the food. While the boys would clean the rest that there was to clean, Nobu and Dai were assigned to the bedrooms, Yuzuru assigned to the living room while Shoma, unluckily gifted with an almost non-existent sense of smell, and a lack of ability to feel grossed out by almost anything, was assigned to clean the bathrooms. It wasn’t so bad, Shoma thought, the place was well-kept, almost too well actually, It was only about an hour in when he finished cleaning the first one, even though he took extra time, and paused every while to rest, or think. His arms were starting to get a little tired and sore. He splashed some water at his face and dried it with a towel. The house was big, but it was empty enough to send echoes of his friends’ voices. It was an odd mix, his friends, with different personalities, different interests, different lives and all, but they worked together somehow, there was a natural, comfortable feeling to how things were between them, and he appreciated that despite all the differences.  
He had to cross the living room and the hallway to get to the other bathroom, and he was met with Yuzuru, already sweaty and flushed red across the cheeks, who shot him a grin which quickly turned into a frown, followed by a loud shout, meant for Mao in the kitchen:  
“I can’t believe you gave the boy with asthma the biggest part of the house to clean, while Shoma will probably finish first and nap like always”  
Shoma laughed it off, not stopping to reply. It was so like Yuzu to say something like that, half-jokingly maybe. He wouldn’t have minded being assigned to the living room anyway, if Mao hadn’t put up a very reasonable explanation to why he should clean the bathrooms, and he didn’t mind that either, he admitted to himself it was probably the best option for him actually, he was free from having to small-talk with the others while cleaning, he would rather focus on the job in hand and get it done as quickly as possible, and it was already too hard given how loud his thoughts were at times, and how often he found himself drifting away, only to be brought back to focus by the echo of a laugh or a shout.  
He still managed to finish his part of the work quite quickly, and so he walked to the kitchen, where the girls were washing the necessary bowls and pans and plates to make the food.  
“Is there anything else you need help with? I’ve already finished the bathrooms”  
Mao looked over her shoulders with a smile.  
“We’re all good here, maybe ask the boys if they need any help?”  
Shoma nodded and headed back to cross the hallway to where the two bedrooms’ doors faced each other. In the one to the right there was Dai, sleeping on one of the two single beds, visibly exhausted. Shoma closed the door quietly and headed to the other room, to find Nobu sitting on the only giant bed, talking on the phone, probably with his girlfriend, Nobu mouthed to him asking if he needs anything, and Shoma shook his head and exited.  
Yuzuru had a bucket of water and a mop in his hands and was starting to wipe clean the wooden floor, startled to hear Shoma’s voice, he looked up at him, face covered in sweat, hair sticking to his head, cheeks flushed bright red and lips parted in a small, exhausted smile. He looked cute, even like that.  
“I’m almost done here, but maybe you can clean the table, prepare it for when the food is ready”  
“I’m starting to get the impression we won’t be eating until midnight”  
Yuzuru laughed at that, also an exhausted laugh, and maybe Shoma said it just to hear Yuzuru’s laugh, he smiled back at him and turned to walk away, something twisting in his stomach, he dared not look back at Yuzu, he must’ve been confused, or maybe he’s used to him running away at odd times, either way Shoma didn’t feel like having to explain himself.  
He got a cloth to clean the table, and watched his friends while he was doing it, they were joking and laughing across the rooms. This was nice, he needed this. He didn’t know if he deserved it, but he allowed himself to enjoy something he may have not deserved, because he missed his friends, and he needed this.  
Half an hour later they were sat at the table, waiting for Mao to get the salt and pepper so they could start eating, hunger very visible on their faces. The food smelled nice, Shoma wasn’t so sure what the main dish was called, but it had enough rice and meat for him to ignore the pieces of vegetables, and he was hungry enough to ignore his friends’ remarks about him being such a picky eater.  
“So when was the last time anyone set foot in this place?”  
Dai said with a mischievous grin, and earned a nudge on his side from Kanako, seated next to him.  
“Hey! This is my family’s treasure you’re disrespecting! It might be old but I have so many beautiful memories here”  
Dai threw a sarcastic “Awww” and Kanako nudged him again.  
“Besides, we’ve been here like what.. two summers ago?? This place doesn’t age. Be grateful”  
Kanako replied, half-jokingly. And Dai laughed and let the matter go.  
“So about sleeping arrangements” Mao said suddenly, and Shoma looked up at that. He had been mostly laughing up until now, not saying much, because he had nothing to say. But he hadn’t considered the sleeping arrangements, he hadn’t even considered if there was enough room for the seven of them. Beach houses and holidays weren’t supposed to be so well organized and thought through. Maybe they’ll share beds, maybe they didn’t even plan on sleeping, there was no need to overthink it, yet Shoma still did, for a split second, because he was how he was, he woke up late, and he woke up a lot at night, and he probably tossed and turned while sleeping, and he didn’t want to bother anyone with his sleeping habits. In that split second he internally decided it was best for him to sleep on one of the sofas. Maybe the light and noise that could easily escape into the open living room would make sleeping harder for him, but it was still better than having to share a bed, or even a room probably.  
“Satoko, Kanako and I will sleep in the master bed, you’re all not allowed in that room anyway” Mao continued, with a smirk. “You decide who sleeps on the beds and who sleeps on the sofas”  
Another quick moment of panic crosses Shoma’s mind, interrupted by Yuzuru stating almost too quickly, before anyone beats him to it:  
“Umm I don’t want to sound like a complaining baby but I don’t think I can handle sleeping in the bedroom, it’s probably the dust but I nearly had a coughing fit as soon as I walked in it earlier, if you guys don’t mind”  
He shot a glance at the rest of the guys, and really, why would Shoma mind? The living room is big and will probably be occupied by everyone most of the time. It’s not like they’d be sharing a room or anything. And even if so, that would be fine. Shoma would just have to pretend to still be asleep when Yuzuru wakes up, so he wouldn’t have to stare at him when his eyes come to life, and he would have to pretend he’s still asleep, when Yuzuru asks him some random question in the middle of the night, so he wouldn’t have to fight the urge to stay up all night talking to him, and he would have to pretend he’s still asleep, when Yuzuru calls out his name in concern when Shoma wakes up from one of his nightmares with a scream.  
He shook his head, internally, to erase that thought, and also externally, to match Dai’s and Nobu’s movement at Yuzuru, without actually looking at him, and he let Dai and Nobu decide for him. He hated being so passive, but he couldn’t get himself to voice his opinion when he himself was so conflicted about it.  
He ended up getting that second sofa after all, which was probably better, or maybe worse, he wasn’t sure.  
Fifteen minutes later everyone was already almost done with their food, Shoma had been hungry, but maybe halfway through his dish lost his appetite, and started playing with his food, hoping nobody would notice when he quickly throws away the rest of what was on his plate while they were busy cleaning up.  
They went to sleep early, exhausted from traveling and cleaning, they hoped to catch the next day from its earliest hours. Shoma changed in the bathroom, because his bag was in the boys’ bedroom and he needed to wash and brush his teeth anyway. He entered the living room to find Yuzuru already lying on his side. He whispered a small “good night” and tucked himself in.  
He didn’t sleep early, sleep never came easy for Shoma, even in the comfort of his familiar bed in his familiar room, and being in a new place added more to his restlessness, he tossed and turned, like he knew he would, and couldn’t fall asleep, he had his back facing the other sofa but still heard Yuzuru’s breathing, deep and even, he stopped himself from turning to him. He felt hungry again, and regretted throwing away half of his plate, there was probably nothing in the fridge to eat now, and even if there was, he didn’t want to make a lot of noise and wake someone up. And he was also so tired, he just wished to fall asleep and he’d be content to wake up even hungrier.  
He checked his phone for a while, and thought, and played some game with no sound and with the brightness brought to the lowest possible, and thought some more, he knew that what he should do was the opposite of thinking, but he couldn’t stop himself. He turned on his back, he was starting to feel frustrated, thinking whether he should give up on the idea of sleep, he covered his eyes with his folded elbow, holding back a few tears he felt could creep up any moment. He was so tired.  
So tired.

.

He woke up to someone calling his name, quietly, like a whisper, then a hand reached out to touch his shoulder, light as a feather. “Shoma”. The gentle touch and soft voice were slowly pulling him away from sleep, he half-opened his eyes, he wasn’t sure what time it was, but there was enough light entering the room to make everything too bright for his eyes. “Shoma”. The figure in front of him called again, the light coming from behind the figure made it hard for Shoma to guess who it was, he blinked his eyes into focus. “You’re up!”. It was Yuzuru. With a wide smile on his face. Shoma smiled back, feeling at peace waking up to this, but quickly covered his mouth for a yawn, or a pretend-yawn, maybe. Yuzuru’s smile grew bigger, he patted Shoma’s shoulder and said with a slightly higher voice:  
“You should get up, everyone is at the beach already, we’ve been waiting for you”  
Hit suddenly with the idea of the beach, it was a bit too overwhelming for Shoma’s still half-asleep mind. He sat up, covered another yawn.  
“I think I’ll catch up with you later, I have a horrible headache and I could use some more rest”  
It wasn’t entirely a lie, but Shoma’s been co-existing with a base of headache for so long that it was hardly considered an excuse. But Yuzuru didn’t know that, he nodded and got up and left, and came back a few minutes later with some pain killers.  
“Rest well, so you can join us quickly” He said with a smile, and then another “call us if you need anything” as he was closing the door.  
And just like that, Shoma was left alone. He felt lonely, almost too quickly, but maybe his brain didn’t fully wake up yet. He texted his mother and Itsuki, telling them about the place and the first night there, and that he’s going to join the rest for a swim now, which he wasn’t really planning to. His father wasn’t exactly keen on texting, so he never texted him. He appreciated that, fewer words to express same meanings, he was like his father in that, but to a much bigger extent, he just was not good at communicating with people, he’d drift in and out of conversations, take longer times to reply to messages, politely decline invitations to hang out. It was ok though, he was almost sure that after many years he’d finally managed to surround himself with people who understood that about him, who didn’t take it personally and just accepted him for who he is, gave him space. But they didn’t really need to do that though, he always felt like he put extra weight on his friendships by forcing his friends to accept him for who he is. Why is it that nobody else seemed to ask for that kind of acceptance? Sure, everybody had flaws, some were too hyper, or too cold, or too… something, but where his flaws lied, communication, was actually a big part of establishing friendships, the root of it, really. And how could he make his friendships work if he didn’t have the root to do it? He just always felt like his life had been an endless cycle of feeling drained from communicating with everyone, and feeling lonely from not communicating with anyone, and it seemed like there was no way out of this cycle.  
Letting out a sigh, he got up to see if there’s something in the fridge to eat, and like he anticipated, there was nothing. He sighed again and went back to his sofa/bed. Folded the sheet and put it with his pillow on one of the beds in the boys’ bedroom. It was already a bit messy, clothes scattered on both beds, shoes on the floor, it definitely looked like Nobu’s and Dai’s room, and there was another pair of sheet and pillow folded neatly and put aside on one of the beds, Yuzuru’s, and next to the bed was his bag, also neatly organized and closed, Shoma smiled, thinking about the differences between his friends, and how Mao would scold them if she walked in to see the mess in this room.  
After a not so long wait, Shoma’s friends came back, filling the room with energy and laughter and life, they rushed to him and he greeted them with a smile.  
“I would have told you that we wish you had come, but as you can see… you’re probably at luck that you missed out”  
Satoko gestured at the bunch, and they were all painted different degrees of red, across the shoulders and noses and cheeks, it looked funny, a bit.  
“Yeah I don’t think staying in the sun at noon is a wise decision”  
Dai said while dropping on the sofa before Mao quickly gestured to him to get up, being all covered in sand and sea water. They all were, and they smelled like sand and sea water, but maybe a sunburn was not so bad, Shoma thought, they seemed happy.  
“But luckily” Dai continued. “We got eggs and flower and chocolate and a few other things. We’re making pancakes, western style”  
His smile was almost sarcastic, which prompted the rest to laugh. But then they got interrupted by Nobu pushing Mao and Satoko with his two hands behind their backs.  
“Ok go hurry up! Shower! If I don’t have pancakes in my stomach in 20 minutes I might pass out”  
It was almost theatrical, Shoma wondered how Nobu wasn’t an arts major himself, maybe his friends’ influence washed over him.  
And so Mao and Satoko went to shower in the two bathrooms, while the rest waited for their turn. Kanako decided to start at least with the making of the pancakes, she wasn’t the best cook, but how hard can making pancakes be? Shoma followed her into the kitchen, watching her batting the eggs, waiting for her to ask him to hand him something or help her, waiting, maybe for something else.  
And it came.  
“Are you ok?”  
She said with a concerned smile, looking at him while still batting the eggs, maybe trying to sound casual.  
“Yeah I was just-“ Shoma gestured to his head with a roll of his eyes, hoping he wouldn’t have to use the word ‘headache’ again. The more he used it the more it sounded like a lie.  
“I’m better now”  
After a nod, she stopped and turned to face him, concern growing even bigger in her eyes.  
“I thought this would help you”  
“No it does! ... it does”  
He replied, quickly, like he wanted to interrupt that thought in her mind. He didn’t want to worry his friends, they were all there to have a few good days, it had been a while since they were all together, he didn’t want to ruin that with his mood, or whatever this was.  
“I’m better now”  
He wanted to reassure, and she nodded, not entirely convinced, but she knew him too well. She knew when he did need someone to fish out words from his mouth when he was too overwhelmed with his thoughts, and when he needed space, or needed to be distracted. This was one of those time.  
“Well go get me the sugar from the bag, Mr. I’m better now”  
He laughed and rushed to get the sugar.  
Six showers and a dozen pancakes later, they were all sitting at the table, still red and wet and bubbling with energy, except for Shoma, of course, who was still too pale and too quiet, but felt better, the jokes and laughter from his friends starting to get to him.  
Part of the pancakes were burnt, and despite joking about it, nobody hesitated to eat, everybody was hungry and exhausted. And maybe an afternoon nap was approaching, Shoma already spared a moment to think about what he might do until they woke up again.  
They cleaned and washed, and Shoma went back to lay on the sofa, phone in his hand, he waited long moments but Yuzuru still hadn’t come to sleep on his sofa/bed. And then Shoma heard noises coming from the bedroom, he went there to find them all, except Kanako, slumping on the two beds, talking.  
“Ah Shoma! Come sit. I was just about to call you to come in here”  
Yuzuru said patting on the empty spot on the bed next to him, where he was sat with his chin resting on his folded knees, next to Nobu who sat cross legged, while Mao, Dai and Satoko sat on the other bed. Shoma took his spot as Yuzuru continued, laughing:  
“I was just reminding everybody about that time Nobu sneaked into this art class with Mao and Dai and blended so well that the professor thought he was one of her students and asked him to come to this gallery thing-“  
Nobu interrupted, kicking Yuzuru on his thigh, making embarrassed sounds, this was clearly something he didn’t want to remember, but Yuzuru continued, anyway.  
“And when he had to actually go because we couldn’t find him a way out. He had to basically watch porn with an arts teacher”  
Nobu kicked him again while everybody else laughed, clearly no one needed to be reminded of this, as they made fun of it quite often, but they always found the sheer horror and embarrassment on Nobu’s face enough of an excuse to bring it up every time they meet.  
“The worst thing is that you really run out of profound, artistic things to say after the tenth pair of tits you stare at”  
This statement, of course, cued even more laughter, even from Shoma, who was hit with second hand embarrassment.  
“Ok but remember when Satoko came to our arts class too, and almost started arguing with the professor about how arts are too subjective to be taught in classes”  
“I think you owe me some recognition that I was able to find the professor’s weak point in less than 40 minutes of being in your class”  
Satoko defended herself against Mao’s attempted trap, and Kanako entered mid-sentence, but it seemed like she had been listening to the whole conversation.  
“Are we sharing embarrassing uni stories? Because I’ve got quite a few”  
She sounded almost proud of herself, amused with the laughter that echoed in the room.  
“I’m sorry Kana but I don’t think anyone can beat Shoma in this field. That time he switched his flash-drives and mistakenly put the one that had one of his beloved video games during his presentation. I will never forget the look on professor Machiko’s face, she was so angry-“  
Laughter was cut short, everybody’s face falling at the mention of that name, Yuzuru seemed to take a second too long to understand, but then quickly covered his face with his two hands, shouting a pretty loud “Ahhhh” then breaking into a laugh, loud and almost exaggerated.  
“I’m sorry... I’m so stupid”  
He said laying a hand on Shoma’s thigh, while Shoma shook his head at him, laughing, they all laughed again and the conversation moved to a new embarrassing situation that Kanako one got herself into. And Shoma was saved from even having to say anything on the topic. Yuzuru was good at that, taking command of the conversation, sparing or causing people embarrassment. Shoma was lucky he was spared this time.  
That evening, they decided to spend some time at the beach after the sun had set and the temperature had dropped, they sat on logs they had found and arranged opposite each other, a mat laid on the white sand between them with snacks on it. Dai made a special playlist for the night consisting of songs ranging from techno to opera, he was happily forcing everyone to enjoy his weird music taste, it was more like background music anyway, talked over by everyone trying to have at least three different conversations at the same time.  
Yuzuru moved to sit next to Shoma on a log, taking advantage of a moment when the rest were talking about this party they attended, he whispered:  
“Wanna take a walk?”  
Shoma nodded and they got up, walking away from the rest of the group, closer to the waves that were washing at their feet every few steps, it was getting a little cold and Shoma tucked his hands in his pockets, waiting for Yuzuru to say what he wanted to say, he hadn’t exactly mentioned he wanted to say something, but the way he proposed this walk sounded too much like “I need to tell you something”, or maybe Shoma was a little too suspicious.  
“I’m sorry” Yuzuru finally, hesitantly spoke up after the long silence. “If I made you uncomfortable earlier”  
So that was it? An apology? He had apologized earlier, and Shoma didn’t want this brought up again, he shrugged. “It’s ok. You don’t have to apologize”  
“No I… should’ve been more considerate”  
Shoma stopped suddenly and mouthed his immediate response:  
“No. You shouldn’t have to be considerate-“  
Yuzuru, who had not noticed that Shoma had stopped, turned to face the voice, then walked back the few steps that had separated them.  
“What happened was entirely my fault. I hate that it puts pressure on you guys to try to avoid the topic, or try to be considerate.”  
“I understand” Yuzuru, with a small tilt of his head, replied.  
“What are you going to do?”  
“Professor Mihoko said she’ll help me, she gave me projects to work on over the summer”  
“That’s good.”  
With that Yuzuru resumed walking, and Shoma followed, this could’ve easily turned awkward, and Shoma would’ve kept apologizing for replying in a harsh tone, and would’ve struggled to change topic, but Yuzuru made it light and simple, Shoma knew that, he noted that to himself and allowed himself a second to be grateful.  
“I’m really glad you came. I was almost sure you wouldn’t”  
“Nah, I missed you guys”  
Shoma’s smile was met with a similar, large one from Yuzuru.  
“I missed you too”  
Suddenly it was difficult to meet Yuzuru’s eyes, and so Shoma turned his gaze to the water, trying to will away the blush he knew he had. It was the simplest of things, the change from “we” to “I” and it got Shoma blushing. It means nothing, he kept telling himself, he shouldn’t overthink this small thing, yet he did.  
They rejoined the group after a while, and for the rest of the night that one sentence kept replaying in Shoma’s mind, making him almost unable to focus, he felt painfully aware of Yuzuru’s presence, right next to him, on the log, thighs touching, voice close, smile warm and laugh magical, he couldn’t deny himself the pleasure of these small things, even though an inner voice kept telling him not to, but they were small, unharmful things, and he rarely ever got to experience them, it was ok to enjoy them now.  
When they all parted to sleep, the living room, with its two sofas, occupied by Yuzuru and Shoma, was lit up by the moonlight shining through the big open windows, while their two faces were lit up by the light coming from their phone screens. They sat in silence. Shoma was texting Itsuki, but he was keeping an eye on Yuzuru, watching what he was doing, wondering if he was talking to anybody. It was hard, being in the same room with Yuzuru, when they were both awake, and alone. He wasn’t sure when it started becoming hard for him to concentrate in Yuzuru’s presence, to start up a random conversation, it was good that Yuzuru initiated the conversations most of the times, because the paradoxical feelings of wanting to talk to Yuzuru so much, about anything, about everything, wanting to hear his voice, to see his expressions and smiles, and the absolute inability to overcome the tightness in his chest whenever he watched him, or talked to him, left Shoma completely helpless around Yuzuru. And being in the same room with Yuzuru, lying on their sofas facing each other, was a new experience. He allowed himself to take in Yuzuru’s beauty, face lit blue and white and red, lips cracked into a small smile, hair damp and messy, there was a feeling of intimacy, or so Shoma thought, he didn’t mind watching him all night long, but of course, he was pulled from his thoughts by Yuzuru himself.  
“When does Keiji arrive?” He said looking up from his phone.  
“Around 10 I think?”  
“I’m glad he was able to make it!”  
Glad wasn’t nearly enough to describe what Shoma felt about Keiji being able to join them on the last day of their little holiday, there was a certain ease, comfort, that he only felt with Keiji, they had grown much closer over the past year because of their overlapping schedules. When things got too overwhelming for Shoma, Keiji knew how to ease things for him, a night spent gaming with him would help Shoma relax, hunting for the best restaurants in town meant better nutrition for Shoma, whose diet would consist of energy drinks and meat if it weren’t for Keiji supplying him with important healthy food, when he can convince him of course. Yes, sometimes Shoma needed to be taken care of in a way, and Keiji was always that, caring. Shoma was more than glad he was joining them.  
“I love how close you two are”  
“Yeah… he’s alright”  
Shoma joked in response, and Yuzuru snorted.  
“We must be a group of special people”  
He said with a smile, and Shoma looked at him from the corner of his eye, curiously.  
“It takes a lot to impress The Shoma Uno”  
“Pfft shut up!”  
The smile quickly faded from Shoma’s face, as he thought more of Yuzuru’s words, he had disappointed his friends in many ways, even during their stay here, which he knew was their attempt to help him.  
“I haven’t exactly been a good friend lately though”  
Yuzuru noticed the quick change in Shoma’s tone. He got up and walked to where Shoma was lying.  
“Is it ok if I sit?” He asked, and Shoma sat up and crossed his legs under the sheet, giving Yuzuru space to sit, also cross legged and facing him.  
“It’s ok. We know you’ve been through a lot..”  
There was a pause, Yuzuru looked like he was doing a lot of thinking before saying anything, which was strange because he always seemed like he had an answer prepared at all times.  
“It was a bit of a shock for us… well actually a big shock” He said with a smile, but it was a sad smile and it made Shoma’s chest tighten. “And Machiko is scary and we didn’t know what to do and you didn’t tell us anything” His face was growing even sadder, and Shoma just wanted to reach and hug him, and wanted to hear his voice full of happiness again, not full of sorrow, especially not sorrow over something that Shoma himself had caused.  
“I’m sorry-“  
Shoma had started but was interrupted by Yuzuru laying a hand on his knee, asking him not to apologize. But he did need to apologize, he had distanced himself from his friends when this whole thing started, he knew he needed them and he knew they would make it better, easier to get through, he knew they were trying all they can to be there for him and yet he shut them off and distanced himself, he knew this must’ve hurt them, but he couldn’t bring himself to reach out, or to accept their held-out hand for him, until they asked him to go on this trip and he finally reached out his hand to theirs.  
“We were just so worried about you… we didn’t even know if you wanted to come here with us”  
“I did!.. I really needed this.. I needed you” He looked at Yuzuru, desperately. He wanted him to know that he really meant this, that he needed them and wanted to be with them, and that he’s sorry for not trying harder and for seeming like he doesn’t enjoy the time they’re spending even though he is, maybe not in the way he would if the circumstances were different, but he did enjoy this, it brought him peace and comfort he couldn’t get elsewhere. He wanted Yuzuru to know that a big part of what he just said was directed at him specifically, he hadn’t seen Yuzuru in a long time, and he missed him and sometimes he needed him so much it hurt, but he knew he shouldn’t see him when he was like this, so broken and hurt, he shouldn’t cause him worry or sadness, but most of all, he didn’t trust himself to have good self control when he was like this, he was barely managing his feelings for Yuzuru when those feelings were the only thing weighing on his mind, and with the mess that his mind has been he was afraid he’d let something slip, and when things neared breaking point, he got a call asking him to join his friends, and Yuzuru, on a trip, and he just couldn’t say no.  
When he saw Yuzuru’s face break into a smile, more genuine this time, he felt relief wash over him. He smiled back.

.

He woke up the next day to a familiar voice, the voice was soft and distant at first, but then it got closer, and then it yelled out, not so softly:  
“Wake up, idiot”  
Then a heavy bag was thrown at him, and he opened his eyes to find Keiji, hovering over him, poking his shoulder and twirling his hair, he grunted and pulled the sheet over his face, wiggling to drop the bag on the floor.  
“Go away monster” His voice came rough from under the sheet. But then Keiji started tickling him and so he had to move to defend himself against Keiji’s fingers, and he barely managed to escape the hug Keiji was threatening him with. He rushed to the bathroom to wash up and when he came back, his friends, fully dressed in beach wear and gathering the last necessities for a day by the sea, were waiting for him, it was barely even 11 am.  
“Wow you guys are fast”  
“What are you waiting for? We thought you were getting ready!”  
Kanako replied, waving her arms in an exaggerated way, as if she had been waiting for an hour, although Shoma wasn’t sure how long he’d stayed in the bathroom, but it definitely wasn’t long enough to earn this reaction.  
“Go ahead, I don’t want to keep you waiting, I’ll get my stuff and follow you”  
They got up and left him to get ready, and so he put on his black shorts and a plain white t-shirt, he grabbed a bottle of water and his sunscreen and followed his friends. By the time he arrived to the spot they had set up a mat on the sand under a huge stripped beach umbrella, they had left some snacks and their tossed out shirts and sandals and were already in the water. When they noticed them, they started waving and calling, inviting him to join, first it was Kanako and Nobu, then they were joined by the rest, making silly hand waves and silly sounds, it was almost embarrassing, and Shoma laughed and considered going back inside. But then Satoko and Keiji got out of the water and ran to him, splashing him with water as he tried to protect his face and the phone he held in his hand.  
“No excuses this time, you’re going to swim!” Satoko said firmly, and Keiji nodded, as if he was around to know that Shoma didn’t swim last time. His friends were still waving and calling, and Keiji was starting pull him and well he wasn’t stronger than Keiji, plus the burning sun made the idea of water cooling him down all the more likable. So he gave in, took off his shirt and followed Keiji and Satoko to join the rest, he welcomed his friends’ cheers and screams bowing to them, then he held his breath and went under water, staying there for a few moments. It was nice. When he emerged again his hair, now longer from being wet, was covering his eyes, and Yuzuru tucked a few strands behind his ear, and Shoma laughed, thinking of how ridiculous he must’ve looked, but it’s ok, they all looked ridiculous, but they all looked happy.  
Mao suggested they play a game, and so she and Satoko climbed on Dai and Keiji’s backs respectively, and tried to knock each other off, and the one to remain on his partner’s back longer would win. Satoko won, because she was smaller compared to her partner, who had a tighter grip. Then she knocked Kanako off Nobu’s back, and knocked Yuzuru off Nobu’s back too. Shoma hesitated to go against her, she was fierce for such a small girl, but he liked winning and well he had faith in his strength and his good strategy making skills, so he climbed on Dai’s back and gave her a final warning:  
“I don’t feel so comfortable about pushing girls off”  
Satoko quickly replied with a smirk. “Don’t be so sure you can do that” Gaining cheers from Mao and Kanako, and she was right, she knocked him off rather too quickly, and he, being a sorrow loser, complained that Keiji was the strongest so he could easily support her tiny body, Dai held a hand to his heart, as if he was hurt, because this meant he wasn’t strong enough to support Shoma’s also tiny body, and Satoko suggested they switch partners to prove she was worthy of the title, but then Mao interfered, saying that this was unnecessary, Satoko has won fairly, and Satoko stuck her tongue out at Shoma, who splashed her with water. It was easy for Shoma to forget anything upsetting him when he was like that, surrounded by his friends, surrounded by water, it was like all the bad memories were washed away with the waves for a while, and he allowed himself to enjoy that.

They spent hours swimming, taking a few breaks to eat some of the snacks and take pictures and talk, until they almost collapsed, swimming was tiring, and they needed to shower and rest before they headed back to the beach. It was their final night, and they planned to stay up until the morning before they pack up and leave. So they went back to the beach house, and decided on an order to shower, those who don’t mind showering with semi-cold water taking the later turns. Shoma, Keiji and Dai took the last three turns, but since Shoma was almost falling asleep on the floor while waiting, they decided to let him go before them. And when Dai said he heard one of the doors open, Shoma got his post-shower clothes and a towel and headed to the bathroom. He was met with Yuzuru standing by the door, drying his hair with a towel in his hand, face flushed from the steam and lips parted in a big, tired smile, it took him another second to realize that Yuzuru was also bare chested, wrapping a towel around his torso, Shoma wasn’t exactly sure about how long he stared, but when he did notice himself staring, he quickly turned his gaze down to his feet, nodding as Yuzuru passed by him and he got into the bathroom. He wiped the mirror with his hand and looked at himself, he was blushing, how embarrassing, he thought, or maybe it was the sun that painted his cheeks red, but maybe he was blushing, and either way he didn’t know If Yuzuru had noticed him staring. It was best not to think about it too hard, but of course he did, during his entire shower which was cut short because he was overthinking it, and because the water was starting to cool down on his still heated body, so he hurried into his new clothes and got out and plumped onto the sofa.

.

It was around 10 pm when they started their night at the beach, sitting on a mat in a circle, Satoko sitting on Shoma’s left, and Keiji on his right, he felt surrounded with love, the thought of a group hug crossed his mind, but he dismissed it for being ‘too cheesy’, and this was going to be an epic night, as Mao and Dai had promised, Mao bringing a lot of alcohol to drink and Dai playing an even weirder set of songs for his friend’s amusement.  
“You know I don’t drink”  
Yuzuru shot Mao a look, which she met with a wide grin.  
“But of course you’ll make an exception for us today right? It’s our last day! Come on it’ll be fun!”  
Mao and Kanako held their hands in praying motion and flickered their eyelashes at him, and it was starting to get to him apparently.  
“Fine, but if I die, my blood is on your hand”  
“God you’re such a drama queen” Nobu said as he was pouring the drinks. Mao, again, had a suggestion to play a game, a little like spin the bottle, but the person that the bottle points to when it stops spinning, would have two choices, either to drink or to share a secret that nobody knows about them.  
“What kind of sick game is this??”  
Yuzuru complained again, and Shoma laughed, thinking how the same situation of having to drink making him more comfortable and loose, was making Yuzuru more nervous. But he complied of course, he didn’t stand a chance against Mao and Kanako’s ‘innocent’ begging eyes. They drank a first celebratory round of drinks, and Yuzuru made a sound after drinking, a squeaky sound, and then he coughed and then he laughed, and everybody laughed, that went better than expected. Shoma felt the first wave of heat when he drank up his cup. And Mao got an empty bottle and placed it in the middle of the circle, she announced the start of the game and the bottle started spinning, and then it stopped, pointing to Dai.  
“Yeah I’m not drunk enough to share any secrets yet”  
Nobu poured him another glass and he drank it up. And the bottle went spinning again, and it pointed to Yuzuru.  
“I don’t plan on getting drunk enough to share something I don’t want to share so… let’s see” He gave his best thinking face. “I once stole a pack of gum from a convenience store, and when my mom found out, she forced me to return it and apologize and pay double the price from my allowance”  
“That’s the most boring secret ever” Mao, who was clearly the expert in this game, replied, disappointed.  
“You said a secret nobody knows, but you didn’t say it has to be an important one”  
A smart move, Shoma thought, he was considering resorting to that too, but when he looked back at his silly childhood memories, they were so distant and dark, he was sure his childhood wasn’t that bad, but for some reason he only remembered the times he fell and went to a hospital to get stitches, and the times he hit his brother and got grounded, and the times he had to stay longer at school for his turn in cleaning and had to miss an episode of his favourite show. Maybe his brain was too exhausted to think of silly memories now, so when the bottle pointed to him, he asked Nobu to pour him a glass and drank it quickly, feeling more heat and more sense of relaxation wash over him.  
“You guys are so boring, I’m drinking AND sharing a secret” Kanako said when the bottle pointed to her the next time, she drank her glass and giggled. “I was once caught by my teacher kissing a boy in my high school class”. A collective sarcastic “ohhh” rose from everyone. “But I wasn’t punished because the boy was the teacher’s son”  
The laughs got louder, and Kanako seemed proud of her reckless teenage self, not that her current self was any shy of that. The bottle stopped at Shoma again, and he raised his arms in protest but drank his glass anyway, and it hit him even harder, maybe because he drank too much too fast, or because it had been a while since he last had any alcohol, he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and opened them again, it was definitely starting to affect him, he blinked through Satoko’s confession, about her cheating on one of her exams in her first year, which was a shock because she didn’t seem like the type to cheat, and he noticed Dai and Nobu drinking despite it not being their turn, then Nobu said he cheated copying Taka’s answers all the time, and everybody laughed. The bottle seemed to take a liking to Shoma, because it pointed to him yet again, he didn’t protest this time, he poured himself a glass and drank it, getting a complaint from Mao, who ordered him to stop drinking and start confessing. And perhaps Yuzuru enjoyed the overall atmosphere of drunk confessions, because he chose to drink the next time the bottle stopped at him, and he made the same squeaky sound and he laughed louder, and something twisted in Shoma’s stomach, he watched Yuzuru as the alcohol’s effects started showing, him becoming more noodle-y in his movements, more touchy with Nobu and Kanako who sat by his sides, and for a second, he wished he had sat next to him, his skin seemed to be yearning for a touch, maybe Yuzuru would laugh and touch his shoulder or his thigh, maybe he’d laugh and tilt his head and his hair would fall on his eyes, and maybe Shoma would push the hair behind his ears, and maybe Yuzuru would lean closer, and whisper a confession in his ear-  
He shook his head, refusing to trail in that thought, he looked down to find the bottle pointing to him, and although he wasn’t entirely sure if they had spun it again or if it was still pointing to him, and if his thoughts, which seemed to conquer his mind for an eternity, had only lasted a moment in reality, but he decided to start speaking anyway, partly because he was afraid that if he thought any longer, something else would come out of his mouth.  
“I… like guys”  
He looked up to meet the confused looks on his friends’ faces, he wanted to laugh and wave it off, so it would seem casual, but it wasn’t, it was who he is, and it was something he hasn’t shared with his friends, and maybe he shouldn’t have said it when he was drunk and when they were all drunk, but well he just said it, and he waited for a response in silence.  
“Why didn’t you tell us?”  
Mao said, almost sounding concerned, like it was their fault for not figuring it out about him.  
“I never said I like girls either… there was just nothing to tell… the only thing worse than my uni life is my love life”  
He forced a laugh but he could hear his heart beating in his ears, Yuzuru was looking at him, almost with child-like curiosity, which made him even more nervous. Nervous and drunk were not a good combination.  
“I’ll drink to that”  
Dai spoke out, raising his glass, and they all drank up, and Keiji ruffled his hair, it felt close to the group hug he had wanted earlier, so much love and warmth filled him, he had worried so much about what they might say or think, but his nerves cooled down now.  
The bottle spun again and pointed to Keiji who laughed and said as he pouring a drink:  
“How am I supposed to top what Shoma just said? I’m definitely drinking”  
Shoma found it harder to concentrate, if he could turn back time he wouldn’t have had too much to drink, he felt dizzy and could barely keep up with what his friends were saying, the music sounded louder and his head felt heavy, he leaned back and shifted his weight to his elbows, he laughed through Mao’s only confession about bringing a guy before to the beach house and her parents finding out, and he wondered if that was the reason why the guys were not allowed in the master bedroom now.  
The bottle stopped pointing to Dai, and he shared a story about a one night stand he had during his trip to the U.S.A, and Shoma was finding it harder and harder to concentrate, he could barely hear what his friends said between the giggles. His eyes followed the spinning bottle again, looking up from where it stopped only for his eyes to land on Yuzuru, already laughing and thinking of something to say, and it was like he was hit with his feelings for the first time again, his eyes scanned Yuzuru’s body and face, landing finally on his lips, watching them move, without knowing what they’re saying, he dug his hands in the sand because he felt like if he didn’t, he would fly to where Yuzuru was sitting and kiss his rosy drunk lips. He tightened his grip on a grain of sand and tried to listen, he heard Yuzuru talk about kissing someone, and something twisted in the pit of his stomach, it was not a twist of desire and longing this time, it was filled with regret, regret about saying what he just said, regret about not having said it earlier, about letting himself reach this point of helplessness around Yuzuru without doing anything about it, about how passive he was, about being a failure, about failing in his life like he failed in university. He snapped back to focus with Kanako’s shout.  
“Earth to Shoma! It’s your turn!”  
Satoko nudged him with her elbow and he lost balance, he sat up, an overwhelming feeling of helplessness and anger filling him, he felt nauseous because of the sudden movement, but he needed to get this out of his system, to say everything while he still felt like he could open his mouth.  
“When I say that I’ve been a terrible friend, I mean it. I’ve been lying to you about so many things… I didn’t fail Machiko’s class because I had a fight with her about a concept she didn’t approve of, I failed because I’ve been unable to produce or study anything for months, she gave me time and chances and I wasn’t able to do anything, I failed because I suck”  
He didn’t try to look up and face his friends because he knew he would stop, and he couldn’t stop now.  
“I failed at the one thing I’m supposed to be good at, and now I’m so lost and I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I should continue studying or I drop out, I don’t know what I might do if I drop out. I spend days lying in bed trying to think of one thing that I find good about myself, and I can’t think of anything, I disappoint my parents and I disappoint you and I disappoint myself… Oh. And I lied to you about Sota too, we haven’t talked in ages, I’ve been making up answers every time you ask me about him”  
That last statement was like a final slap he gave himself because he felt like he deserved it. And he looked up after that, only to meet Mao’s teary eyes, then turned to look at Yuzuru, and couldn’t decipher the look he had on his face, he wished he could curl up on his chest and be held by him and cry.  
“And… I don’t feel good”  
And it was like that was Keiji’s cue, he got up and helped Shoma up, wrapping Shoma’s arm around him and supporting his weight.  
”Ok let’s get you inside”  
They moved as quickly as their drunken bodies allowed as Shoma’s stomach made it clear he was about to throw up everything he had just consumed. And he did throw up, after he reached the bathroom luckily, twice, with Keiji’s hand drawing circles on his back. “I’m sorry” He said and Keiji kept his hand on his back. “I’m so sorry” He said again, crying, while Keiji picked him up and carried him to one of the beds, without saying anything. He kept repeating he was sorry and Keiji’s grip seemed to get tighter, as if he’s trying to stop him from apologizing, trying to protect him from his thoughts. He put him down and tucked him under the sheets, and Shoma felt exhaustion suddenly washing over him, finally defeating the anger and the sorrow, he felt sleep nearing and welcomed it.  
“Promise me you’ll tell me all the confessions I’ll miss tomorrow”  
It was only then that Keiji smiled, and finally spoke.  
“Ok, but I can’t promise I’ll tell you if Yuzuru confesses he loves you too”  
Shoma blinked, his confusion making Keiji’s smile grow wider.  
“Sleep well, idiot”  
He wanted to ask what he meant, but he was too tired, he drifted to sleep quickly.

He woke up hours later, it was dark and quiet, he didn’t know how much he had slept but he was sure it wasn’t enough, he was surprised to find himself in bed rather than on the sofa, then he remembered what happened, the strong headache he felt was clear evidence of it too. He then noticed there was someone sleeping next to him, that made sense of course, since there was an additional person that night, so that’s why Keiji got him to sleep there, he blinked a few times, trying to focus, he was too tired, but it almost didn’t look like Keiji, hair smoother and body smaller. Oh. It was Yuzuru. He was curled up close to him, the top of his head touching Shoma’s chest, and he was in deep sleep. Shoma was almost too tired to feel confused, but a sense of calm filled him and he wrapped an arm around Yuzuru and went back to sleep.

He woke up again, it was less dark but not too bright yet, the headache was still there but to a lesser degree, his arm was still around Yuzuru, and he wondered if they both didn’t move or if he kept placing it around Yuzuru again and again. It felt wrong, what had made him feel calm earlier was now making him feel guilty. He untangled himself, slowly and quietly, and made sure Yuzuru was still sleeping, curled up and breathing deeply, he made sure Keiji, who was sleeping on the other bed, wasn’t woken up by his movements either. He checked the clock, it was 5:42 am. Memories of what happened hit him like a brick wall, apparently he didn’t drink enough to forget, he closed his eyes for a moment but he felt like the quiet, stiff air in the room was suffocating, and he needed to leave to be able to breathe. He got up and went out of the room, out of the house, and walked towards the beach, he sat on the sand, brought his knees to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. Thoughts rushed through his mind and he was too tired to keep up with them, he didn’t know what made him do what he did, other than the fact that he was drunk, and that he felt like his love for his friends was tainted with the lies he was telling them, he didn’t know what they might’ve thought about everything, but he was glad he finally said it, he felt like he could finally pile those confessions along with everything else that belonged to that awful period of his life, put them in a box and put that box away, it won’t be that easy but what happened was at least a first step.  
He wondered again, about what Keiji said, about whether he knew about his feelings, but of course, Keiji would know, he knew him too well, or maybe Shoma was just that transparent, maybe others knew too, or suspected at least, maybe Yuzuru suspected as well, he was torn between finally feeling strong enough to tell Yuzuru how he felt, and feeling like the chance to tell him had slipped away with yesterday’s confessions.  
He was too absorbed in his thoughts that he didn’t hear the approaching footsteps, until his name was called, he turned around to find Yuzuru, still half-asleep and wrapped in a blanket.  
“You disappeared and you left your phone inside, you sure love making us worry”  
He said it in a teasing tone, but it was also cautious.  
“I thought everybody was sleeping”  
“No they are… I only just woke up and didn’t find you there”  
Maybe it was better this way, Shoma thought, than for Yuzuru to wake up and find himself tangled in Shoma’s arm.  
“Aren’t you cold?”  
He was cold, yet he just shrugged. But Yuzuru sat down beside him, and wrapped the blanket around the both of them. Shoma felt instant warm and allowed himself to be embraced by it.  
“I know you want to ask..”  
He kept his gaze at the sea, trying to match his breathing with the waves to stay calm.  
“I was waiting for you to say something”  
“I think I’ve said enough yesterday”  
His reply came too fast, and he worried it sounded too harsh.  
There was a pause.  
“Do you regret saying what you said?”  
Shoma didn’t know what Yuzuru thought, he wasn’t proud of what he said because he wasn’t proud of what happened or of keeping what happened from his friends. But he didn’t regret saying what he said.  
“No… I regret not saying it earlier”  
And it was like this was the answer Yuzuru was hoping for, his lips curled in a small smile, and Shoma found it too hard to look at him, he was too close, too warm, too beautiful.  
“Why did you and Sota stop talking?”  
“We didn’t exactly stop talking… we just… don’t talk… I think our lives became too different”  
Shoma didn’t say much but this was the truth, he saw no point in hiding that fact even from himself.  
“Did Mihoko really give you projects for the summer?”  
“Yes”  
“Good, we’ll work on that for now”  
It was again a simple change, from ‘you’ to ‘we’ that included Yuzuru in Shoma’s future, or maybe it’s just something that’s said, Shoma stopped himself from thinking about it.  
“You’re not a failure, Shoma, you failed one class… it happens… it sucks and it’s hard to believe you can get back up but you can… you will… I wish I can erase those ugly thoughts from your mind, but only you can do that… but please… let us help you”  
Shoma again failed to look at Yuzuru for longer than a second, his eyes were big and begging and sad. And Shoma felt a tear slide down his cheek.  
“I’m sorry I’ve been so distant”  
He said with a voice as calm as he thought was possible. And Yuzuru closed the distance between them, grabbing Shoma’s hand with his own.  
“I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to reach you”  
Shoma looked at Yuzuru again, and it was like his eyes were pinned at Yuzuru’s this time, he kept looking as Yuzuru leaned closer, and closer, and then he stopped looking, he closed his eyes as Yuzuru’s lips touched his, so gentle and warm, and he felt all his defenses fall down, and he welcomed it, he put a hand on Yuzuru’s jaw while the other remained tangled in Yuzuru’s hand, and moved his lips with Yuzuru’s, he let out a sigh as Yuzuru’s tongue brushed over his lower lip, and he kissed him again, and again, and again, until his smile turned into a small giggle which broke the kiss. He looked at Yuzuru, this time more sure of his look, but didn’t say anything, because he felt like words would ruin the magic of this moment. He wasn’t magically healed, he didn’t magically pass his class or solve his problems, but he felt good, purely happy, and for now, that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading <3  
> If you thought something was off about the characters blame it on the fact that I was doing a lot of projecting in this one, especially with Shoma of course. Anyway I hope you liked it :)


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